Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A Love Letter to My Wife - Aron Smith

How do I love thee?  Let me text the ways.

It may seem  like the most hackneyed, gaggingly syrupy sentiment to say that I love my wife, but I do.  Can you still be in love with your wife after thirteen years of marriage?  It must be against the law or something.

I could name many of my wife’s sterling virtues, but certainly the one I most appreciate is that she has somehow managed to put up with me for all these years.  Let me tell you, that is no small feat.  You see, it’s easy for me to love my wife.  She is a thoroughly delightful woman who it would be difficult for anyone not to love.  But me?  That is another story entirely.  So it amazes me that she loves me despite the fact that I’m turning brown at the edges and starting to rot like a peach that’s spent a little too long in the crisper.

How do I know that my wife still loves me?  By her texts.

Don’t laugh.  I didn’t even have a cell phone until a few years ago, so it’s not like I cut my teeth on texting along with my pablum.  I suppose I may have an increased respect for the technology because I experienced half a century or so of living before I came to it (or it came to me).  The whole reason I obtained a cell phone in the first place was to keep in touch with my many nieces and nephews.  It was easy to see that if we were going to have any kind of relationship, it was going to have to be on their terms.  And so I learned to text.

So do I ever hear from my nephews and nieces?  Very rarely.  But fear not, my little pocket phone has not gone to waste, and my texting is in top form.  So who do I text?  My wife, of course.

Unfortunately, my phone doesn’t hold a lot of messages, so I have to delete them and start over every few days.  I was about to perform this function today when I was stopped dead in my tracks.  I began reviewing my recent texts, and that’s when I realized that they hold the proof of my wife’s love.  I mean, you can tell we’re an old married couple.  Allow me to show you what I mean.  It’s in a foreign language, so I’ll translate as I go along.

Wife’s Text:
Leaving Albs.  Cart needed.

Translation:  I’m leaving the grocery store now and heading home.  Get out here and lug this stuff  inside.

Wife’s Text:
Appt for car on Sat between 8-9.

Translation:  Guess what you’re doing this weekend?

Wife’s Text:
Putting my eyes in.  I’ll text you when I leave.

Translation:  Yes, I’ll pick you up for lunch!  Crap, I gotta mess with my contact lenses first.

Wife’s Text:
Want me to bring you food?  I can go to Del Taco if you want.

Translation:  I have put a lot of time, effort and creativity into making a lovely dinner for you, which has long since gone cold.  However, I understand that it’s 8:00 at night and you’re still stuck at work.  Let me feed you, honey!

Wife’s Text:
Need anything?

Translation: I know you’re having a very hard day.  How can I make it better?

Wife’s Text:
I hafta complete this form.  Can you help me?

Translation:  I know I’m perfectly capable of doing my own paperwork.  But I want you to feel needed, so come rescue this damsel in distress, you big stud, you!

Wife’s Text:
Spent $65 at Smart & Final.

Translation:  I’m out spending your money, haha!  Having a good time, wish you were here!  You don’t mind, now do ya?

Wife’s Text:
People are waiting.

Translation:  Um, you’ve been in this public rest room a little too long and a line is forming outside the door.  They’re starting to adopt a lynch mob mentality and may be about to bust the door down.  Hurry up and flush!

Wife’s Text:
Did you hit the F key that turned off the Internet?

Translation:  You are so inept with anything technical!  Now quit being a whiny baby and pay attention.

Wife’s Text:
I’ll sell it on eBay.

Translation:  So what else is new, you’re bringing home another worthless piece of detritus.  Never fear, I’ll parlay even this thing into a couple of bucks for us.

Wife’s Text:
What are you doing?

Translation:  I’m having fun shopping with my mom and sister.  Do you miss me?

Wife’s Text:
How’s it going?

Translation:  I miss you!

Wife’s Text:
Gagging scho

Nonsense phrases, you say?  Not at all!  This just proves that we’ve married long enough that we have our own language that only we can understand.  Translation:  I’m waiting in the car for you and it’s hot as Hades!  Get your bohonkus out here!

Wife’s Text:
I love you.

Translation:  I love you.

Husband’s Text:
Me too!

Translation:  How on earth did I get so lucky?  God is good!

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